Her Portrait in Black
by Kay Celestine
Summary: There were many things Ursa regretting in life - the fate of her daughter was first and foremost.


**Author's Notes:** So_ honestly, sometimes when I look back to the relationship between Ursa and Azula, it hurt._

_While I do genuinely love Ursa, I felt that sometimes Ursa just gave up on Azula. I mean, I know Azula was unyeilding, but I felt like Ursa never actually tried hard enough to let Azula know how she truly felt._

_In Azula's eyes, by her own admission, she said it hurt that her own mother thought she was a monster, and when you really think about it, Ursa never really did anything to prove otherwise. When she showered Zuko (with much needed) love, she would always resort to scolding or reprimanding Azula(granted she did deserve it)._

_So, I just wrote a short little ficlet expressing Ursa's possible regrets :3_

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**.x Her Portrait in Black x.**

by. Kay Celestine

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_What did you want me to be when I see you falling?_

_How did you want me to see your life and your lying?_

_How did you want me to feel when I see you trying?_

_Trying so hard to fit in to the world you are buying._

* * *

She couldn't exactly remember when it first began.

There was no immediate shift or click, it was almost unnoticeable… but it was there. She couldn't tell you exactly what changed, when it changed, or even why.

But she knew what would happen.

It only takes a small spark. A small nudge, a small idea, a small something. That was how it always began.

And that was how it did begin.

~o~

All her life she had been raised to love unconditionally.

Contrary to her fire nation upbringing, she was taught not to prize power, but in all things, to have a heart. So it was only natural that she never truly felt hatred.

Until it came to her husband.

There was time their family has been loving, caring, genuine. There was a time when their family, was in fact, a _family_.

But the older the children grew, the faster things started to change. Their family had split. Ozai's drive for political power took shape in Azula's abilities and that was the moment their family ceased to be.

She had never hated anyone in her life, but she would never forgive Ozai for what he did to their family – what he did to their daughter.

~o~

She knew her daughter hated her.

As unfortunate as that was, that small and damaging fact did not hurt as much as she had thought. No. What hurt was seeing Azula spiral further and further out of control.

She heard the hushed voices of the people. She saw the fear in the eyes of the citizens of the Earth Kingdom when Bah Sing Se fell. She didn't have to witness anything. No one knows a child better than their mother.

Ursa knew Azula very well.

~o~

Knowing Azula hated her did not hurt.

What hurt was knowing what Azula's future held. What hurt was knowing that one day, Azula would fall.

And she would fall and would not be able to ever get back up.

What hurt was seeing her daughter and not being able to be a mother. Just as Azula saw the fear and shame in her eyes, Ursa saw the wanting.

Azula needed a mother.

Azula needed _her_ mother.

~o~

There was never going to be a happy ending.

The moment she made the deal with Ozai to spare Zuko's life she knew that. She had done what no mother should have ever done – she chose between her children.

At the end of the day, she knew she had chosen between the two.

Zuko would always have been fine. Somewhere along the way, no matter how hard he fell, there would always be Iroh to pick him back up. Zuko would always pick himself back up.

Azula would have never been fine. Ursa knew that. She always knew that, yet her love for Zuko proved greater.

That's what hurt the most.

She had failed her daughter. She had failed her daughter's expectations. And worse than that, she had always known she would never be the mother Azula wanted.

She could never be the mother Azula wanted.

~o~

A failure.

That's what she felt like. That's what she felt her life had amounted to. She had failed as a mother.

But had she really?

Yes, she could have done more, but in the end, could she really have done anything once that damage had begun?

Yes and no, because there was never any stopping Azula. No one could stop her.

~o~

She cradled Azula's head in her lap.

It was difficult seeing her again after all these years. It was difficult seeing the small child she had left behind become this woman beside her. It was hard seeing the strong- willed, vibrant child become a damaged, broken young lady – _her child_.

At the end of the day, she had always loved her. She would always love her. Azula was her daughter, and she was her mother.

A tear cascaded down her cheek, falling onto the sleeping girl's face.

She knew it was far too late now, but she vowed she would _never _leave her again.

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_Okay, that's all._

_I hope you enjoyed. Drop a line? Maybe? :3_

_-Kay_


End file.
